These horoscopes represent what will happen to you on a specific but arbirtrarily chosen day during the month of 
    February 2017. If it doesn't come true then you must not have been watching closely.

    Capricorn undigested in your stool (Dec. 31 - Jan. 18)
        If your next door neighbor is named Franklin Delano Nextdoorneighbor, he will enter your house tomorrow, 
        mistakenly thinking it is his. He will search for a show on your TV called "Do You Want to be a Person Who Can
        Find This Show on the TV Guide?" for hours before giving up and burning your house down, staring angrily into
        Jim Lehrer's eyes on PBS NewsHour as the flames consume him. If his name is anything else, he won't do any of
        that.
        
    Wheelbarrow the Starsign (Jan. 19 - Feb. 28)
        A very scary noise will wake you up at either 4:13 or 4:14 in the morning. If it wakes you up at 4:13 you will
        have the best day of your life, filled with at least two of the following: 1) sex, 2) drugs, 3) rock and roll.
        But beware if you are woken up at 4:14, because a man with a horn will follow you around for the rest of your
        life and honk continuously as long as your happiness levels are nonzero.
        
    HIV (Feb. 29 - Feb. 29)
        If it's the eve of your birthday, the following magic trick will decide your fate tomorrow: Take the current 
        year, add four and then subtract four. If your final number is divisible by four, you will be visited by a 
        man named either Stevven (with two v's), Jefffrey (with three f's) or Jm (with no i's). If his full name 
        includes all three of those, flee to uncharted waters as quickly as you can, as he is not who he says he is
        (just think about it you idiot nobody has a name that stupid). He will tell you that today is not the day 
        that you will die. If your final number is not divisible by four, you will completely sleep through tomorrow
        as if nothing ever happened.
        
    Marchuchus (March 1 - March 29)
        Ten to twelve drug dealers will approach you today, asking if you want to join in on their multi-million
        dollar drug empires. All of them but one will be police officers attempting to entrap you. But one, however, 
        will be Pablo Escobar's ghost (who looks nothing like him, no cheating), who will give you his entire fortune
        if you repeat the following words to him exactly "I was responsible for the murders of between seven and 37
        people in northern California during the late 1960s and early 1970s."
        
    Urinal Aquarius (March 30 - April 23)
        Ghosts will invade your room during the night and fill your pillows up with ectoplasm. Your pillows are now
        so comfortable that you can fall asleep instantly, but your nightmares are constantly visited by terrible
        ghostly apparitions. You wake up in the morning with an inceredibly rested body but a tortured mind. You
        begin to distrust sleep and stop sleeping altogether. Scientists sneak into your room one night whie you're
        standing in the corner staring at the wall rather than sleeping. They look for the reason you are able to
        avoid sleeping, and discover that your pillow is full of assorted LSD and tranquilizer needles that the ghosts
        hid alongside the ectoplasm. The ghosts are shortly arrested by the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
        
    Bonus Zodiaconus (April 24 - April 24)
        You will win the lottery but realize that given the many worlds interpretation of the universe, you are now
        separated from only a few of your parallel selves. Your conscience, driven by those consciences, fragments
        into million of pieces and your lottery winnings are donated to a charity that intentionally reduces children's 
        literacy. Nobody comes to your funeral except for a young boy who butchers your eulogy due to his poor education.
        
    Bunkosaurus (April 25 - June 11)
        The lunar eclipse will put you in the romance zone. Any member of the opposite gender (or the same, the stars 
        are very inclusive) whose name starts with the letter Q will have a 50/50 chance of being instantly attracted 
        to you. If your name starts with a Q and are on the space station, make sure to fire thrusters away from Earth.        
    
    Marxist (June 12 - July 3)
        The CEO of McDonald's will approach you and warn you that they are about to close all McDonald's worldwide
        and you will be their scapegoat. After the announcement, you are stalked by countless stockholders, obese
        people and creepy old people who collect Happy Meal toys. Three years later, after being chased to the
        ends of the earth in an African jungle, McDonald's opens backs up and credits your arch-nemesis for bringing
        them back. Your pursuers, anger dissipating, settle down and create a village called "McDowntown," and elect
        you as mayor. However, the lousy genepool leads to countless hideous mutants. On the day your son is born, you
        are assassinated later by McDonald's for copyright infringement. Your son, the only normal child your village
        has ever seen, is raised to become a cowardly mediocre stockholder and dies without avenging your death.
    
    The Scorpio of Liberty (July 4 - Aug. 11)
        You will receive a time machine phone call misdial from John Adams asking "Hello Dick Cheney, what law should
        we pass today?" You may say whatever you want, but if your Dick Cheney impression isn't good enough you may
        destroy the fabric of reality with a horrific time paradox.
    
    Pisces Marsellus Tucker Jr. (Aug. 12 - Sept. 18)
        Your birthday will suddenly change to the day before this (unless born on August 12), causing a horrible 
        birthday paradox. You will rapidly age to infinity just like in Indiana Jones. Your last words will be "born
        under a bad sign, been down since I read my horoscope and began aging rapidly". If you were born on August 12,
        your birthday will cause an unsigned integer underflow because it was stupidly represented as an integer 
        instead of a string and you will live forever because your birthday won't fall on any calendar date.
    
    Doomsdonk (Sept. 19 - Oct. 26)
        You will experience a new sensation that you have never even imagined when your toilet gets stopped up but 
        you somehow don't notice for weeks straight.

    Straw dog (Oct. 27 - Nov. 7)
        The President will announce that the world is ending in 6-8 weeks and removes all laws so people can have a
        good time. Your home is destroyed by looters within the first 10 minutes, along with your beloved childhood
        toy named "Wheelbarrow the Toy". In the wreckage, you discover a button underneath your house's foundation 
        that says "pressing this button will avert the apocalypse." Clutching the charred remains of "Wheelbarrow the 
        Toy" in your hand, you destroy the button.
    
    Therestoftheyearittarius (Nov. 8 - Dec. 30)
        You will be approached by the Illuminati and asked to join. If you are already in the Illuminati you will 
        find someone and ask them to join the Illuminati because you respect this website so much you will allow it to
        dictate your life. You will also call me on the phone and tell me that the Illuminati is real and what happened
        with Building 7. But not too many of you do it, I don't want my phone getting blown up.